BENeficial Intelligence

Suppose you combined artificial intelligence with Ben’s sensibilities. The resulting product, BENeficial Intelligence, would confound the most logical minds in the world because it would apply an infinite number of catch phrases in random incorrect situations.

If you lard an outrageous amount of food on your plate, BENeficial Intelligence would advise you to say to potentially critical parental onlookers, “I’m losing weight. I’m on a diet.” Of course, this can be followed up with the half of a dad joke variant, “A seafood diet.” (BI algorithms omit the punchline “I see food, and I eat it.”)

When it is freezing outside, your mother may encourage you to wear a coat. BI will tell you to respond, “I’m a cool baby. That’s me.”

Any questionable behavior can be supported by, “Why not? It’s a challenge!”

Sometimes Ben applies BI when there is no discernible benefit. For instance, he received a flurry of holiday gifts and gift cards that he immediately squirreled away in his room. When we ask who gave him what, so we would have an idea who he should thank, his BI response is always, “I really don’t know.” (Maybe this post can serve as a blanket thank you to his friends and service providers. Or perhaps they would like a free 3-month trial of BENeficial Intelligence?)

Suppose, despite slow-walking it, you are unable to avoid doing your job. At least BI can ensure you don’t improve your job performance. If for instance, in the course of unloading the dishwasher, you are told that forks don’t go with the glasses, BI advises you to respond, “Sorry. Too late. Can’t change it now.”

When all else fails, BI offers the option of sounds that might be considered words in some contexts, but not as you are using them. Ben’s old inscrutable standby is “I’m woe for it,” or sometimes, “I’m wode for it.” That’s right. Keep them guessing.

BENeficial Intelligence offers the greatest benefits when its users are tasked with following a directive. When told to take a shower, BI’s response is, “I’m too old for that.” Suppose you are about to leave on a road trip and your mother reminds you to go to the bathroom. Ben had to have been using BI when he responded recently, “All taken care of. I did it online.”

See what I mean? Right now, you are thinking how you would have responded if you were me, but there isn’t a logical way to counter a claim of going to the bathroom online. Therein lies the beauty of BENeficial intelligence. It is so illogical it is irrefutable.

While Ben has been working for some time on developing this tool, we accept that he may have been the victim of industrial espionage. Just remember, when you observe global figures using what sounds like BI, you heard it here first.